Apres Velo Blog

I first saw a big red shiny cog while waiting in a 20min queue to get across the River during the Dirtworks100km MTB race. It's @ the 70km mark and there's all these kayaks with timber planks strapped across them that wobble and throw people off into the water below. One of the guys from Australian Mountain Bike magazine had one on the bike he was testing and it looked mighty pretty. It looked fast, sleek & speedy. The red did something to me, sorta like it affects bulls. I just HAD to beat the guy with the red bling -i took off up the big hill climb knowing i'd left him WAY behind. Satisfaction.

Then, in Adelaide last week: very expensive bikes with beautiful red anodised wheels, red spokes, red hubs, red Quick release, chains and the ultimate..... shiny red cassettes. They're SO, SO beautiful. Is this the new thing to buy when hit by a midlife crisis? It used to be a red cabriolet sports car once you hit 40...but now it's the swanky designer bike all accessorised to the hilt in red. It's better for you, healthier for your body (maybe not your wallet) so I think it's great and it's so lustworthy. I'm jealous. I want ALL the red bits on my bikes so that just by looking at it, everyone will think I'm super speedy. I DO have red handlbars (patched up with red electrical tape where i've come into contact with the road a few times and it doens't have the glamour factor). RED means roooly FAST.

THIS morning was my first MTB since my Menai crash•. I had to dust old Chucky the Cannondale off as i just put him in the cupboard after the last bloody (I'm not swearing I WAS bloodied) OTH ride and hadn't even washed him. We went down Duck Hole and up & down the Chiltern trail -while waiting for our big group to REgroup we were just standing by MaCarrs Creek Rd. I fell for no reason. Standing still. Foot stuck in pedal and unable to get it out in time in front of everyone, then to add further injury to my battered ego, the people cycling past on roadies all turned out to be my roadie friends who witnessed the whole thing.....unreal, the bigger the audience the better! Imagine if I had broken something? "How'd you do THAT?" Oh, just standing with my bike.
 
I HAVE had a really clumsy week: knocking things over, falling, hitting my head on whatever i could, banging into doorways. I turned my bath time into a Blood Sport: shaving my legs this week. I took a bit of skin off and it just wouldn't stop bleeding. I left an horrific wet bloody trail through the house whilst limping to get bandaids with a massive wad of toilet-paper-compression-bandage trying to stem the flow. It'd be funny - if it wasn't me.

This Thursday we leave for Munich for the Ispo tradefare and it's been freezing over there. My non-cycling husband delights in telling me it's warmed up and is now @ 12º. When he was talking about how we'll get around I said what a shame we weren't taking bikes.
 If looks could kill I would have been murdered many times over by now. This will be our first stand at an International Sporting Goods Trade Fare. I'll be layering on the Apres Velo tees and sweats. I've never been anywhere so cold.

• My crashes are all named and rated upon my body. Scars denote when & where I crashed due to pigmentation etc.
The aim is to have an anthology of great rides from around the world with the matching/corresponding scar souvenirs. 
Scar tissue however is threatening to take up more coverage than virgin unscarred skin and some scars have been doubling up ie: Manly Dam x 3 and Red Hill x 4 on my knees. 
Below are photos of the freshly inflicted, infamous full length body-slide down Duck Hole trail of Feb 2009.
 

 

Friday 15th January: a hot day. a job that should have taken maybe an hour becomes a horrible 3 hour ordeal, blood, sweat, greasy gears and tears. I'm trying to take this blasted road bike to pieces to fit it into my "Gar-ba-g€" cardboard bike box which is SO tiny I have to completely dis-assemble my bike. It hasn't been done since the year before and everything feels as though it's welded in position.
When I take my wheels off I realise the tyres are shredded - I need new tyres and zoom to the bike shop. I have yet another trip when after an hour of trying to get my pedals off, taking most of the skin off my knuckles, corking an arm muscle and using all the French swear words i have been taught (the children were listening.....and now they know how to say the most awful things in French, little sponges!). It takes 2 of the bike shop boys to remove the pedals, so i know it wasn't just me (relief at not being a total blonde) and they tell me to not tighten them so much.

The Apres Velo Team hit Adelaide on Saturday 16th January. We were picked up by the wonderful Cyclismo Team with whom we were doing a Tour. Coaches Daniele & Anna, Rider Rob who would wheel any tired, hungry, left behind riders back to the bunch or fix their bikes (he rescrewed my pedals on again really, really tight so they wouldn't come undone while going up and down all the hills of Adelaide) and Driver Dave who also doubled as the Team Photographer Extraordinaire (he's VERY good).

Over the week we would ride the beautiful hills, gorges, valleys and plains of Adelaide plus ride the Mutual Challenge (165km ). It was Daniele's job to get us fit and ready for the MC and he did a good job. We all had a great day and I enjoyed it immensely and made some new friends while cycling whom I promptly dropped as soon as they got tired (Jim, write to me...I'm sorry!). Over 500kms and I didn't fall once (whaaaat? if you're not bleeding you're not trying) and no mechanicals. This road riding is so much easier than mountain biking. We were given a jersey for the MC ride which was the MOST horrific fitting, ghastly & HUGE  jersey. My XS jersey doesn't fit anyone I've given it to and they keep giving me back the bloody thing. 8000 people flapped the entire way to Goolwa in those massive jerseys.

Catching the bus home Greg was threatening mutiny if Anna didn't stop the bus at a Grog Shop to buy beer. Anna's pretty tough but the
promises of dire and deadly gases being released up at the back seat if those on The Programme didn't get their promised beer intake made her stop and boxes of beer being loaded into the bus along with suitable munchies loaded with fat and salt. The way he groaned and moaned at the passing of each bottle shop (Lick Her Shop he'd sigh and his head would swivel like Linda Blair's in the exorcist as he watched them slip into the distance) may also have influenced her swerving to a screeching halt in front of the next one. 

Most of the group were coerced by some of the more deviant members to join something called The Programme©®™ (as in get with it). See previous blog. Not me, i'm a rock solid, body-is-a-temple-type-person. Leonard and the boys practise with religious fervour the notion that the body is evil and must be punished, or the body is a temple that must be utterly shattered & destroyed. It's ironic they were in such agony every day while riding, Nurofened to the hilt, blurry eyed, raspy breathed, riding thru vineyards & wineries. There were very suspicious looking substances in those drink bidons on their bikes. We would stop each day, mid way through our morning ride at some lovely quaint little cafe/ cake shop where the Peloton took it upon themselves to clear the shelves of all the cakes and pies & tie up the coffee machine for a good half hour.

Watching the TDU each day necessitated copious quantities of beer intake as well. You can't stand straight on a hill in 40º Adelaide heat without a beer in your hand. That's just plain unbalanced. Also, walking up the hill to yell at all the pros without carrying a slab is just unsportsmanlike. How do you emphasise your appoval of those sweaty guys in lycra powering up Willunga Hill 3 times without rasing a beer in your hand? It's just not manly to do it without a raised cold one. An Aussie salute. Then, after the race is done, there's all those country pubs that NEED YOU to drink all the extra beer they ordered or it'll be stale next year when we visit again. Pth-tht, yik, stale beer....

We partook of a little Guerilla marketing: giving away Apres Velo tee shirts, calendars, postcards, stickers and bags and I had a wonderful time feeling like Santa. Len musta felt like a Bad Santa: hungover, tired and wanting the girls to put the tee shirts on then and there in front of him -he did promise he wasn't looking -and many women believed that innocent face with blood shot eyes and gruesome swollen lips and took him up on that. Oh joy.

The race itself was wonderful: the riders go past at such incredible speed and you get such a rush when the bunch goes flashing past; the gears, chains and wheels all whirring. The speed is such that I can't work out who is who - I know there's all these famous riders in that peloton but i have to stand near Greg or Lance from Woy Woy who know more than anyone about the teams and riders. Most of us girls would prefer it they had no shirts on, and shorter shorts (the pro cyclists, sorry... NOT Greg & Lance from Woy Woy)....we like to look at those nice taught butts in lycra though.

The girls have worked out a very short list of Cycling Dress Code Ethics while wiling away the time watching the race and we had young, innocent George who has only be riding for 1 year with us.

1. never ever wear black socks. Lance A, you NEED a new stylist, i'm still recovering from recurring nightmares of you wearing black socks in the TDF. Still banging on about the sock issue....short white socks, not half way up your leg or up to the knee. Sorry to be SO pedantic but this is SO very important and these should be accompanied by White cycling shoes. It's not how fast you are but how you look while cycling and representing your sport..

2. Never, ever, ever wear white knicks unless you're young and hot with an exceptionally good physique (and lunchbox, Vicki adds) and gorgeous behind.Iif this description fits you we're open to holding a Wet White Knicks competition and you can contact us here spinsister@apresvelo.com (or send photos, Vicki adds).

3. Flesh coloured riding outfits should be banned. What was that awful flesh brown team outfit at the TDU? Maybe it was the Skins brand being funny? The Nude Skins range....
 
Sunday 24th: I have no time after a wonderful morning ride up the famous Corkscrew Hill and a screaming downhill back into the city and obligatory coffee @ Cibo to pack my bike up in my room before checkout. I drag everything to the hotel lobby and dissemble my bike there (i need help from another 2 lovely men to undo my pedlas again -they tell me not to put them on so tight the next time). We race up the road to watch the final exciting Criterium race, after which we're off to the airport and home late Sunday night.

 www.ciclismo.com.au
 

http://www.momentumplanet.com/news/wild-and-crazy-tee-shirts-down-under

I'm famous in my own lunchtime now, yippee!
It's a story all about me as i mentioned and it also talks about my hubby Michael: stationary-bike-specialist who can assure you that 5 mins of pedalling watching the all ords keeps your heart in as good-a-shape as 6 hours on or off the road without the scars or inherent dangers. Michael is our "Helmet Newton" photographer extroidinaire for AV, our website updater of sorts - in conjunction with Paul and he is my art director. He is the one I bounce ideas off constantly and he keeps the strait jacket handy for when i become unruly.
 
It also mentions my erstwhile business partner Len who is a committed cyclist and participant of "THE Programme" a health and fitness programme he devised in South Africa and practised with gutso at the Tour Down Under.

The Progamme is elaborated upon below for those interested but one should check with their family doctor before committing to it and then flagrantly disregard anything said doctor recommends.

Apres Velo takes no responsibility, what-so-ever for anything that happens if you should take it upon yourself to follow this diet and exercise regime that Leonard practises. In fact, the many friends Leonard has misled-led and persuaded to join him, have begun to experience the strange and inappropriate behavioral patterns and odd bodily functions are re-thinking their adherence to this way of life.

1. drinking 3 double shot espressos a day keeps the doctor at bay.

2. Beer consumption = replacing lost body fluids/ minerals/vitamins/carbo reloading from bicycle training is directly proportional.
1 beer per 10kms of road cycling (on average). Although the more you drink, the more you seemed to have ridden and you lose count.
By the way....who WAS counting?

3. never mix soft drinks with your spirits - drink them straight. Soft drinks are for sissies who don't ride bikes.

4 Drinking copious quantities of red wine = antioxidants, the 2nd glass kills off all benefits so try to end on an odd number to keep all the benefits.

5. Party as you've never partied before: The Hilton Bar is where the pro cyclists and team crews all party. It's where the "babes, chicks, birds etc" all hang and the spirits flow freely (if someone else is buying) and the beer tastes better. You can stay there all night and go straight to point 1 in the morning.
  
6. Rise each morning with as much stiffness and complaining as you can muster and ride with your peloton for 100kms of Adelaide hills. Taking 6 Nurofen during the course of a few hours seems to do the job. Swill coffee down at the mid morning break. Some of those "energy" drinks go down well too on a 40 degree summer's day.

7.The blood in your urine is OK too: it could be the beetroot that was accidentally on your plate last night at dinner - or that red energy drink....the blood shot eyes,shaky hands, heart palpitations and all round jitteriness is due to the extra effort you put into that King of the Mountain climb this morning. A few beers should fix that. See point 1. A few wines full of antioxidants should help repair any damage done. See Point 4.

8.Green mucous & saliva, cold sores and ulcers in the mouth is good news too! It means Len's The Programme (trademark/copywrite pending) is into full swing.You can now enjoy the full toxic overload. People will be commenting on how fabbo you look, smell and sound (Greg - i thought you were DYING on Greenhill). Your breathing whilst climbing uphill is laboured, rasping and a heart attack sounds imminent. Any competitive hill riders will let you win - as they don't want to rescusitate you. Herpes type 2 is highly contagious. That chick on the cheap bike (not a Pinarello) won't DARE to go past you as she in no way wants to test out her CPR skills. 

9. Complain bitterly about start time of early rides and get the peloton to start later to accommodate your lifestyle and adherence to The Promgramme. Promise not to shower until the ride starts later (8am). The alcoholic stench coming from your pores and the sight of sores on your mouth by now should mean that everyone agrees wholeheartedly with anything you propose. SEE, you get what you want with this lifestyle choice.

10. After the Tour Down Under, there is Australia Day. One final day of partying before you end your highly enjoyable session of The Programme and enjoy all the benefits of the strict training regime you may have lived through.

NOTE: the Programme is not for wimps, wingers or wombats. You take this challenge on at your own risk and peril. No complaints will be listened to and any objectors will verbally abused & ridiculed behind their backs where it hurts most. Leonard is a living breathing advertisment for this way of life and enjoys it wholeheartedly for the entirety of the Xmas/New Year/ Tour Down Under/Australia Day period.

Crash test Mummy NEVER adheres to this programme. 
Leonard fully endorses the Mount Lofty Health Resort & Spa holding aloft a glass of their finest Electrolyte-laced, Vitamin Filled, Liver Stripping Drink. The boys rode like demons posessed the next day over 120kms.  Yeah, right.