Apres Velo Blog

WARNING: the following blog has been labelled offensive and revolting by my husband, Michael and disgusting by my good friend Dave (world famous architect and arbiter of good style, taste and substance). Do not read if you are easily offended by talk of excessive amounts of bodily fluids. MY husband MIchael (world champion solo stationary cyclist) told me over dinner that I am a cultured girl: well read, well educated and plays 3 instruments, studied classical music and art BUT to read my blogs would suggest otherwise. He says it reads as though I am a disgusting, gross, UNcultured, rough, bikie chick.  At this point my eldest beautiful daughter asked if she could lick her dinner plate clean? I said YES, of couse (it's environmentally friendly, saves time & energy and is another great camping and MTBing tip) and as a look of digust, astonishment and then anger flashes over his face ( he thinks I should be teaching them table manners) I remind him I saw HIM lick his plate just a few days earlier when he thought no-one was watching.Can't argue THAT one! :)  I normally DO use a lace hanky to wipe my nose coquettishly when I have a wee nose dribble but on a bike you can't whip out the pretty hanky, balance and blow every 5 mins. It's just not done. Maybe if my mother hadn't made me practise the violin and piano so much, so often.....my nose blowing technique and bike skills would be so much better! This is just another case of a mis-spent youth playing Czerny, Bartok & Beethoven.

Read on, those of you brave enough......

I'm just SO embarrassed.
I have just realised how many people i've accidentally snotted.

12. You no longer need a hankie to blow your nose

This is from my list of how to know you're a cycle addict (last blog). Well, this morning going up a hill into a strong headwind I did my now infamous blow into my hand and flick. It's a ladylike version of a the male finger over one nostril and big honking blow, each side. Oh, and then I wipe my hand down my bike knicks - very discreet, until you get home and see the lovely trails of white stuff all down the side of your right leg. There iz method in thiz madness - as you don't want to be slipping off your handlebars with wet, slippery, snottled, bike gloves.

Anyhow, going up the hill in front of Nicky, blow and flick and then I hear coughing & spluttering behind.....I've hit my best friend who was cycling uphill with her mouth open! Yuuuueeek! Bingo, in zee mouth!!! Oh well, she was complaining she needed some potassium and magnesium.

Then we saw my lovely friend Warwick speed past in the other direction and I remembered just how I met him and I told Nick she wasn't the first to be so blessed.....I was cycling in the dark across Narrabeen bridge after having done the windy stretch along Collaroy....I did my blow and flick and heard someone gagging behind me and a strangled "thanks a lot". I was shocked that someone was on my wheel (they kept up with me?) and I hadn't heard them -but also that I'd just done a "grande snottle" ( a biggie - you know when there's more there than you thought there'd be?) and hit them.
So, I apologised profusely and introduced myself and there began another beautiful friendship. Warwick is just divine and I have cycled with him many times now. He does stay to my left side and in front a bit though.

I'm sure I've inadvertently snottled many more of my friends who are way too polite to say anything, plus many more people on the various rides and races i've participated and snorted my way thru. I have a particulary runny nose and when it's cold it runs overtime.
 There can't be THAT much fluid in my body let alone coming out of those tiny orofices? Also, a bladder that continuously needs emptying.....how can one coffee mean 3-4 toilet stops? I KNOW it's a diuretic, but really? 

Now. that's another blog. Gotta go to the loo.

  Hi, this is Nik (Nicky, Nicolette or Nasty as Fatso has called me) and I have been very ill. I got a raging temperature the afternoon after the Snotting and was raced to the local hospital. They put me in isolation ( a chair in the corridor with a sheet thrown over me for privacy
and germ control such is the state of our hospitals) and popped a drip in my arm. Apparently they thought I had the Ebola Virus...I kept murmuring "SNOT" but they thought I was using the local vernacular to say "It's not!" and being slightly delirious they just ignored me.
I was in the same ward as her other friend who is strung up in traction as a result of his riding accident whilst cycling with her.

This made me think of the littany of accidents that has befallen all the friends who train with her.....Dave Norto who ran with her on a dark early morning run and fell -never to run again. The Aussie Body building and Mr Universe contender who ripped a Quadripcep muscle right off his bone so he could stop training in the gym with her, Jaap who broke 2 ribs in an Adventure race with her (2nd place overall),another friend who while yelling at her to take her hands off the brakes went OTB and shattered his scapula and his thumbs. 

If she doesn't break you physically she'll do it in other ways. I'm OK now. Thanks for asking.
Apres Velo rocks though and I'm her inspiration.  :)
Love, Nik xxx