I'm famous in my own lunchtime now, yippee!
It's a story all about me as i mentioned and it also talks about my hubby Michael: stationary-bike-specialist who can assure you that 5 mins of pedalling watching the all ords keeps your heart in as good-a-shape as 6 hours on or off the road without the scars or inherent dangers. Michael is our "Helmet Newton" photographer extroidinaire for AV, our website updater of sorts - in conjunction with Paul and he is my art director. He is the one I bounce ideas off constantly and he keeps the strait jacket handy for when i become unruly.
It also mentions my erstwhile business partner Len who is a committed cyclist and participant of "THE Programme" a health and fitness programme he devised in South Africa and practised with gutso at the Tour Down Under.
The Progamme is elaborated upon below for those interested but one should check with their family doctor before committing to it and then flagrantly disregard anything said doctor recommends.
Apres Velo takes no responsibility, what-so-ever for anything that happens if you should take it upon yourself to follow this diet and exercise regime that Leonard practises. In fact, the many friends Leonard has misled-led and persuaded to join him, have begun to experience the strange and inappropriate behavioral patterns and odd bodily functions are re-thinking their adherence to this way of life.
1. drinking 3 double shot espressos a day keeps the doctor at bay.
2. Beer consumption = replacing lost body fluids/ minerals/vitamins/carbo reloading from bicycle training is directly proportional.
1 beer per 10kms of road cycling (on average). Although the more you drink, the more you seemed to have ridden and you lose count.
By the way....who WAS counting?
3. never mix soft drinks with your spirits - drink them straight. Soft drinks are for sissies who don't ride bikes.
4 Drinking copious quantities of red wine = antioxidants, the 2nd glass kills off all benefits so try to end on an odd number to keep all the benefits.
5. Party as you've never partied before: The Hilton Bar is where the pro cyclists and team crews all party. It's where the "babes, chicks, birds etc" all hang and the spirits flow freely (if someone else is buying) and the beer tastes better. You can stay there all night and go straight to point 1 in the morning.
6. Rise each morning with as much stiffness and complaining as you can muster and ride with your peloton for 100kms of Adelaide hills. Taking 6 Nurofen during the course of a few hours seems to do the job. Swill coffee down at the mid morning break. Some of those "energy" drinks go down well too on a 40 degree summer's day.
7.The blood in your urine is OK too: it could be the beetroot that was accidentally on your plate last night at dinner - or that red energy drink....the blood shot eyes,shaky hands, heart palpitations and all round jitteriness is due to the extra effort you put into that King of the Mountain climb this morning. A few beers should fix that. See point 1. A few wines full of antioxidants should help repair any damage done. See Point 4.
8.Green mucous & saliva, cold sores and ulcers in the mouth is good news too! It means Len's The Programme (trademark/copywrite pending) is into full swing.You can now enjoy the full toxic overload. People will be commenting on how fabbo you look, smell and sound (Greg - i thought you were DYING on Greenhill). Your breathing whilst climbing uphill is laboured, rasping and a heart attack sounds imminent. Any competitive hill riders will let you win - as they don't want to rescusitate you. Herpes type 2 is highly contagious. That chick on the cheap bike (not a Pinarello) won't DARE to go past you as she in no way wants to test out her CPR skills.
9. Complain bitterly about start time of early rides and get the peloton to start later to accommodate your lifestyle and adherence to The Promgramme. Promise not to shower until the ride starts later (8am). The alcoholic stench coming from your pores and the sight of sores on your mouth by now should mean that everyone agrees wholeheartedly with anything you propose. SEE, you get what you want with this lifestyle choice.
10. After the Tour Down Under, there is Australia Day. One final day of partying before you end your highly enjoyable session of The Programme and enjoy all the benefits of the strict training regime you may have lived through.
NOTE: the Programme is not for wimps, wingers or wombats. You take this challenge on at your own risk and peril. No complaints will be listened to and any objectors will verbally abused & ridiculed behind their backs where it hurts most. Leonard is a living breathing advertisment for this way of life and enjoys it wholeheartedly for the entirety of the Xmas/New Year/ Tour Down Under/Australia Day period.
Crash test Mummy NEVER adheres to this programme.
Leonard fully endorses the Mount Lofty Health Resort & Spa holding aloft a glass of their finest Electrolyte-laced, Vitamin Filled, Liver Stripping Drink. The boys rode like demons posessed the next day over 120kms. Yeah, right.
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